


First Impressions

by halfeatenmoon



Category: Digimon
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-19
Updated: 2003-08-19
Packaged: 2017-10-04 07:06:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfeatenmoon/pseuds/halfeatenmoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanbara Takuya on intuition, first impressions and walking in the rain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First Impressions

I've never believed in love at first sight.

It wasn't like that with me and Izumi. I didn't think much of her at first, but she just sort of grew on me, you know? Not that it ever came to much; I mean, we were only eleven. Who actually falls in love at eleven? It was sweet for a while, though, when we got back. Holding hands while we walked, sneaking kisses when we thought no-one was watching (ha!) and giggling awkwardly afterwards. We were cute. That's all you can say about it. We were very, very cute.

But schoolyard teasing can put an eleven-year-old off romance quicker than the words 'we need to talk' can put off a grown man. After a month or two being back at school once we got back from the Digital World, our schoolmates soon saw too it that Izumi and I were too embarrassed to be seen standing next to each other, let alone holding hands.

I've never believed in love at first sight. I've always thought that all those love-at-first-sight stories were just lust, really. How can you love someone when you've only just met them? You don't know anything about them. You don't know whether they have terrifying relatives, or whether they're from a bizarre religious sect bent on wiping out the human race, or if they fart in bed.

And you don't know any of those endearing little traits - like chewing on things without thinking about it - that make them so much more loveable, either. How can you love someone you don't know?

Some would say it's intuition. I have intuition, you know. When I was little I used to think it was really cool. I'd sense something and sometimes I'd be right. But as time went on, I was wrong more and more often. It was so disappointing when my intuition was wrong and I'd thought it'd been wrong. So in time, I stopped hoping.

When I first saw Kouichi, I felt something. I barely even realised it at the time. Come on, I was working on a pretty tight deadline. Not to mention that it was pretty damned traumatic being back home in the real world, only to find that I'd turned into a digimon. I was hardly going to pay attention to the intuition that I'd long since learned not to trust.

I stopped, though. For just a moment, I stopped. It was strange. Ever since Dark Trailmon had taken me back, my mind had been rushing. There had been a constant roar of panicking thoughts. _What's happened? Why aren't I me? How can I get back? To the Digital World? To being myself? Why are you here, Takuya?_ Over and over again, again and again and agai-

Then I saw Kouichi. And for a split second, it stopped.

I don't believe in love at first sight. But I do believe in first impressions. Some of the strongest intuitive feelings I've had have been at first meetings. I felt it when I met each of my teammates. Izumi, Tomoki, Junpei and Kouji. Yet none of those meetings were as spectacular as the first time I saw Kouichi.

I promptly forgot about the boy I'd seen and the moment of calm when I saw him, of course. How could you blame me, when there was so much else to think about? Find your way back. Save your friends. Save the whole freaking Digital World. No, in the midst of all this I had time to brood on the flash of intuition I had when I met - no, _saw_ a total stranger from a distance.

I remembered it the next time I saw him, though. Hell, remember doesn't even begin to cover it. For the first time ever, I didn't feel victorious. No 'I was right!' when my insight proved true. It was to important a moment for that sort of childish crowing. _He's the one_, I thought at the time. Even I didn't know what I meant by it.

For the second time in my life, there was a moment of utter silence amid chaotic thoughts. And then it was brushed aside as the immediacy of the situation set in, and I had work to do.

I remembered again when we got back to the train station after killing Lucemon. I was panicking then, and ran blindly, trying to find him, already thinking of those other two times and what a waste it would be to lose him now. Ever since he'd 'died' in the Digital World I had kind of sensed that he was still alive. My intuition again, I suppose. But this time I had been fool enough to trust that intuition; I never considered the possibility that Kouichi was completely, irreversably, eternally dead. And now, back at the station, my intuition deserted me and I didn't know whether he was dead or alive.

If Kouichi had died, I don't know what I would have done. The fact that I'd been right on those two occasions was priceless to me. I felt as though I'd already invested a lot of emotion in Kouichi. I cared about him so much. The idea of his life being cut short so soon after I'd met him is still hard for me to think about for long.

Would you believe that I forgot about it all again? I couldn't forget Kouichi, of course; he was a part of almost every day of my life from then onwards. My best friend's twin. And in time, he was my best friend, too.

I got to know him. I came to learn that he liked reptiles and had always wanted a pet lizard. He was a meticulously organised person, and so Kouji and I drove him to distraction with our messiness. He was never comfortable in his seat when we went to the movies; he always had to twist and turn and squirm all through the movie trying to get comfortable. He'd cut out unnecessary words when he was concentrating on something. Never 'Takuya, could you help me make lunch?', but 'Takuya. Help. Lunch.'. It's those little things that make a person loveable.

You can't love someone you don't know, can you?

Can you?

It's raining today. Been overcast for days, but didn't start raining until the moment I got off the train. Typical. I saved up my money for weeks to buy good flowers, and now they're getting rained on. I'm trying to stay undercover, but it's just not working. I can feel the paper wrapping going soggy in my hands.

Yeah, that's right. Flowers for Kouichi. I've never believed in love at first sight, but I do believe in love. Because it's happened to me; perhaps for the first time, perhaps for the second. As I grew to know Kouichi, I grew to love him, too.

It's got nothing to do with those first two times I saw him. Those weren't that rubbishy 'love at first sight', more the beginning and ending of a premonition. The first time I saw him was the realisation that he was going to play a big part in the rest of my life, and the second was the confirmation of the first. No, my love for him was something else, I was sure of it.

I only really figured it out last night. I'd been meaning to come and visit him today. I was just falling asleep, thinking about hugging him when I walked through the door to his house, when I suddenly found I was thinking about kissing him.

Not being one to waste time moping around examining my feelings, I bought some flowers this morning, jumped on the train to Kouichi's house and then got caught in the rain.

Impulsive? I don't think so. Like I said, love is something that grows on you. When I look back, I can see that it's been growing on me for a long time. Probably not since I first saw him - because I don't believe in all that - but since we became friends. Maybe even since we were eleven, when I loved Izumi, or at least thought I did.

I'm at his street now, ducking in and out from under trees, trying to stay as dry as I can. The flowers are wilting, their paper almost liquefied. I'm keeping my head down, running between one tree and the next. Then from nowhere comes another pair of shoes to stand beside mine, and there's an umbrella over my head. My head, which is suddenly roaring with a thousand thoughts at once.

"Are those for me, Takuya?" Kouichi's voice asks, with a hint of humour.

Of all the things he could have said, why did he have to say _that_?

Oh Lord, I can't do this! It's too much, it's just too much. What will he say? What if he hates me for it? Too many 'what if's, too many thoughts.

Just say it, Takuya. Just plunge right in and say it.

_Why are you here, Takuya?_

Roaring, pounding, deafening thoughts. Too many for my little goggle-boy head. A thousand thoughts at once.

"Y-yeah... yeah, they are, actually," I say, with as much sincerity as I can muster, and I turn to look Kouichi in the face.

I've never believed in love at first sight. I thought it was something that grew on you. I didn't think the flash of insight I felt the first two times I saw Kouichi were anything of the sort. They were the beginning and end of a premonition, that's what I'd told myself. But now I have to doubt it. Because even if Kouichi and I had never met each other before now, we would have loved each other from that moment onwards.

The soggy flowers dropped to the ground and were trampled under our feet. I didn't have to try to put on an image. I would never have to try to be anything again. Kouichi could never love anyone more than he loves me now, I'm sure of it, so I don't have to try to do anything except love him back.

For the third time in my life, the thousand roaring thoughts in my head were calmed when I saw Kouichi's face. For the first time in his life, Kouichi's thousand thoughts were calmed when he looked into mine.


End file.
